For some time, I have avoided as many carbohydrates as possible and have set aside time to work out nearly every day. My work-out routine may include swimming, running, biking, or crunches. When extremely motivated, I may bike, then swim, and top it off with two sets of fifty crunches at the end of the night.

Now, it’s nearly impossible to avoid all carbs, but I have avoided eating bread, pasta, and cereal altogether. Things like cheese or milk that contain small amounts of carbs still slip into my diet. However, I try hard to eat three portions of protein and vegetables a day. It’s very strange how your body will crave the sugar from the carbs that you all-of-a-sudden have denied it. It’s not happy.

So far, I’ve lost about 8 or 9 pounds. I will continue the diet until I lose about 20 more pounds. I think at that point I will slowly reintroduce things like bread and cereal. I think pasta and other starches like potatoes should be avoided for an even longer amount of time. I plan on continuing the exercise regiment daily.

So I decided about two weeks ago that I was going to stop taking my medication (40mg Celexa daily). It served as an anti-anxiety and anti-depressant, and I think it is probably the source of my weight gain right behind my alcohol consumption. I’ve gone off it before, and the withdrawal symptoms weren’t terrible, but this time I decided to wean myself off so they wouldn’t be severe. I’ve noticed a bit of weight-loss, but this could easily be because I’ve stopped drinking. Honestly, I don’t think I need it anymore. I’m not depressed, and I’ve learned a lot about how to cope with my anxiety and I think I can control it simply by controlling my thoughts and my mind. Meditation helps, and so does not having a lot of responsibilities in my life at the moment. It helped when things were bad and I really needed it, but I think it’s time to move on. I knew going in that it wasn’t going to be a permanent fix, but it has served its purpose and it’s just time to move on.

The diet I mentioned in my last post (the master cleanse aka the lemonade diet) has been torturous. I’ve been cheating like crazy. I couldn’t go a whole day without eating food — sorry, but I just love food too much. I almost made it yesterday, but I waited until everyone was asleep before having a huge salad and a tuna fish sandwich. It wasn’t too terrible, I mean my calorie intake wasn’t substantial at all. But I had two lemon bars today, along with some fish and about a cup of tuna helper and two cups of coffee. All which aren’t allowed and actually frowned upon, but I’m still drinking the lemonade mixture and about 150 ounces of water. I certainly won’t lose as much weight as if I had just stuck to the diet, but it’s so close to impossible for me. It’s a great idea — don’t get me wrong — the concept makes perfect sense. But starving myself was something I could do in high school and college, and just isn’t what I’m up for anymore. I’m convinced that I should just start eating healthier and perhaps exercising now that it’s spring. Oh well, I gave it an honest try (LOL, not).

FAIL.

Per Kevin Timmer’s instructions, I have decided to begin the Master Cleanse, or “Lemonade Diet” today. I made on batch last night, and decided I couldn’t do it. The drink that you must consume instead of food is fresh-squeezed lemon juice, organic maple syrup, and cayenne pepper. All three of these flavors combine to make something that closely resembles the taste of cancerous urine. While in group this afternoon, I thought that it may be worthwhile if I put the cayenne pepper in capsules so I don’t have to destroy the flavor of my lemonade. Now, my lemonade is merely sweetened with the flavor of maple syrup, which isn’t that bad at all. I expect that the cayenne pepper will have the same affect as if it were mixed with the solution. I am starving today, and I hope my hunger decreases as I am planning on completing at least a 10 day cleanse/fast. We shall see.

So, since I have been home from Seattle, I have been in rehab. Rehab isn’t really wasn’t what I expected at all. The people look as I expected them to, but no one ties you down and puts you in a secluded room to scream it out. While in detox, I was simply medicated and asked to sleep it off, which I did. I was too fucked up on Valium to give a shit about what I looked like or where I was. I made it outside for a couple of smoke breaks a day, three meals on the sixth floor, and I slept the rest of the time I was there. After my detox was considered complete and I was able to function without serious withdrawal symptoms from alcohol, I began IOP which stands for the Intensive Outpatient Program. This allows a consumer like myself to live at home and still have the freedom to work, etc. I am required by contract to attend three out of five IOP group therapy sessions and lectures per week until I have completed 20 sessions. Thus far I have completed 13 sessions since I was released from detox. My therapist’s name is Lois Hecksel, and she’s very interesting. She handles her time with group therapy much different than the other therapists at Turning Point. Others allow members to take part in cross-talk and independent group discussion with a therapist merely as a moderator. Lois however, prefers very much to be in complete control of the group therapy session and to individually speak with each consumer as if we were each in an individual session with her. So, when it’s your turn, it’s somewhat awkward to have ten other people in the room when you discuss your problems or hurdles you would personally like to attempt in your own recovery. Cross-talk is not permitted, but everyone is allowed to offer advice to individuals so long as it doesn’t take more than 2-3 minutes to do so. Lois will ring a bell if it does. This is interesting because I have personally heard several therapists refuse to ring a bell during a group therapy session as it breaks the train of thought and possibly defers from the point the group was ultimately trying to reach in discussion. Honestly, I do not mind Lois’ take on group therapy. I think she is a very interesting person to talk to, and she does what every therapist should do — she merely holds up the mirror. We, ourselves see what others see, and are forced with a decision to change. I like that. Besides, she has her Masters degree from Western, so she must know something.

So, now that I’m not drinking every day, it’s interesting to realize how much free time I have. I don’t know what to do with my life. I have thought about going back to school, and I have applied to Grand Rapids Community College and put in the paperwork needed for Financial Aid. I’m not going to get my hopes up, but this would be nice and something to do. Right now I’m working as a contract/freelance employee for a web development registrar/firm. I’m not investing much into a long-term career with this company. Perhaps being a student once again will give me permission to hold a pointless job in a coffee shop or restaurant again, as much as I hate both. I need new goals. That’s what I’m searching for. I completed a lot by moving out west to Seattle — that had been my goal for the previous two years and was what held me back from going back to school as I just thought I would go back once settled into the city. Nope. Apparently your addiction follows you where ever you choose to go. You can’t run away. Lame. The important thing is that I am only 23 years old and have gotten a pretty strong grip on reality and realizing all of this. Now I just need to focus on the future, and especially my education. With the economy in the state it’s currently in, I was able to learn first-hand how difficult it really is to attempt to find employment without a Bachelors degree. Not so easy. Plus, I would really like to associate with the college kids. I miss that a lot. I hope I find a suitable program soon. And now that I am legally considered an independent student in America’s eyes of higher education, I’m hoping to have most of it paid for by the government. Perhaps waiting to go back to college wasn’t the worst idea I have had yet.